Help!I can’t sleep

It is 00:28hrs,on Sunday 17th March and i can’t sleep. I have already said goodnight to the last of my chat buddies knowing i am heading to sleep but i just can’t seem to sleep.My eyes are hurting,my body is tired and i have all the reasons to sleep but my mind just won’t co-operate.At this point i am out of options.

All my friends are probably turning and rolling in their own drool, our house is quiet and even our neighbourhood dogs have stopped barking and the only sounds i can hear loud and clear are coming from this persistent mosquitoes.I have also just heard a motorbike pass by,who is riding this late anyway?

The novel i was reading is right here beside me but i can’t even seem to read it. It has gotten to a point where i have tried reading a post on my favourite writer’s blog that was recommended by my friend but i couldn’t finish it.Can’t i just sleep please.Who can give me tips on how to make my mind co-operate and let me retire to sleep so i can wake up and go to Church in the morning.If someone has a logical solution to sleepless nights aside from youtube music created to lul someone to sleep,please respond down below,cause i really do need this sleep…i really do.Have a goodnight everyone.

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Blur

Everytime i sit down and think about my life,the present,the future,my vision blurs,literally. It isn’t like that with my past though, i can pretty much remember a lot about my past.

Why does this happen anyway?Why does my vision blur when i think of what i want to do with my life?Your guess is not as good as mine. I think that happens because i didn’t fulfil what i always wanted.What did i want?Mmmmmh!

Ever since i was younger i was obsessed about hollywood…lol,i know. I always knew i want to work in a movie related field ever since i was younger. I would watch movies and be like,yes, that’s where i belong.Whether it was me creating or me acting,i didn’t care,i just wanted to work in the film field.

Something else,i am obsessed about car racing. No,not watching,racing.Dangerous right? Maybe. I can’t help it,i love challenges. I still want to do all these. I believe i can still do it.Maybe not go to hollywood but do my movies and still race cars ,i am still young right?Then why does my vision blur when i am thinking about my life?I don’t really know yet but i will because,not only does it blur but i feel as if i am on lock down. Like i am still aiming low. I can be better than that. Actually i have this belief that nothing is impossible,like literally nothing is impossible. Everything is in your mind and you just gotta think that you can do it and you will.It’s all a mind game. You wanna conquer your fears,you hate heights,go to the tallest building that you can find and prove your fear wrong. You fear driving cars,hell, get into that car and drive.You just have to cheat your fears,that’s it.

I wanna go abroad,i wanna travel,i wanna live life,i want to get rid of my fears of falling in love,hell,i want to get rid of all my fears and most of all,i want to think about my life without my vision blurring.Can i?Yes of course i can,nothing is impossible in the eyes of God so go fight your fears too.Who me?Yes,you😂😂

HE NEVER NOTICES ME

How are you my people?I hope life is good on your end. I can say mine is. I am breathing, i can walk and all that so i thank God. You should too.Have i ever mentioned my habit of just staring at people to gauge their behavior? Well, if i haven’t i,will today.

So,i was walking to school the other day,tired as hell because i take two buses to get to school and that amounts to two hours minimum of travelling to school and another two travelling back home,i am not complaining. I am totally used to the struggle. So as i was saying ,i was walking to school from the bus stop when i saw a group of four people. Two girls and two boys. I’ve seen them around school so i know they are students. I bet normal people would just mind their own business but i am who i am so i slowed down to study them. I noticed some cycle that was a bit funny but i could totally relate to. They seemed to be friends who were used to each other but there was one particular girl that seemed taken by one of the guys. She didn’t exactly throw herself at him but i base my argument on how i would behave. She would engage in the conversation all of them were having but she seemed to get lost in the middle of it all. When no one was looking she would look at the guy from head to toe like she wanted to take in how exactly he looked like from when he smiled to when he was being serious. This would surely take some time so i pretended to search for my school identification card as i took in the scene not so far from where i was standing. It would have been better if the guy looked at her the way she did but unfortunately, the guy was too smitten by the other girl to even notice. This i realize might sound confusing so i’ll give the guy a name,Brian. I couldn’t even think of any other name. Brian had no idea that one of his female friends was checking him out while he was busy flirting with the other girl. Ouch! I feel that girl because i have been in the exact same situation.Of being ignored.I know men are not angels to know that a girl is crushing on them…that we should probably say something but no,personally, i wouldn’t.

Not long ago, i met a guy. At first not personally but i used to see him around town. In my opinion, he is very good looking and trust me i never get these things wrong. I don’t believe in that story that beauty is in the beholder’s eyes or something. If you are good looking,you are,full stop. So after a while of always checking him out, a mutual friend happened to introduce us. It was totally unplanned, i promise. I was even a little bit shaggy and i kinda wish he hadn’t seen me that way,maybe,just maybe things would have turned out different and guess what,we became instant buddies. Thinking back, i realize he probably treated me like his bro friends because we were too friendly with each other and not once did he try to flirt with me.Of course i figured this was normal though i had the biggest crush on him and i always complimented him and all that and he would just hug me or just pat my head playfully like u would to a good ole dog. It was enough for me until we happened to bump into each other when i was with one of my really pretty friends. I can tell you for a fact that all my female friends always seem to be really pretty. I introduced them and to be honest i have never regretted anything the way i regretted introducing them. He said,”you are so pretty,mlijuliana wapi na Phenny” I almost asked him if i was not pretty too. Thank God for my wisdom, i just laughed with them but my laughter already sounded foreign to my ears and of course they didn’t notice, It was just me.

Ever since that day, the guy seemed to text me more and also ask if my friend is okay, ask if i’ll be free to hang out and that my friend could tag along too. At some point i felt so used. Has anyone of you seen Duff? The movie? If you haven’t, you should. I felt like the duff. Since i didn’t want to look like like a cock blocker i would just arrange the meetings and he would bring a friend of his to keep me company. A different one everyday. I can’t tell you how bad i used to feel every time he flirted with her, laughed with her, handle her like a perfect gentleman. I felt all the negative things you could think of. Sad,left out,angry,ugly…Oh God. I wondered why he hadn’t asked for her number yet, i bet he didn’t want to blow his chances with her so i gave it to him so that i wouldn’t know when they met or what they planned to do. There is a time the girl once came to tell me that he had said hi. Didn’t he have my number because he didn’t even text me anymore. I would just receive the greetings from my pretty friend who thought he was cute and gentle. What happened to the rowdy guy i knew. He had changed overnight.

We grew further apart with that guy and would only say an occasional hello when we see each other. I had even thought he would propose marriage to her but they didn’t even get to the dating stage. Should i feel bad for the guy? I feel like i should but i don’t feel bad for him.I feel bad for my self. I am disappointed in myself for letting my world revolve around his. I should have known that i wasn’t ugly just because he didn’t notice me like i wanted. I should have set my priorities right the moment i realized it’s not me he wanted. I should have moved on but instead i stayed and kept hoping. Hoping for a guy who forgot me the moment a pretty girl got into the picture. I am not angry at them, i am just disappointed in myself for not knowing my worth,so,message to all the girls out there. Do not stoop too low for a guy who doesn’t treat you like you feel you deserve. You are beautiful in all ways possible. If your crush doesn’t see it,someone else will so don’t make decisions you’ll regret just because you want to please a person who only seeks friendship. Lets all realize our worth and love ourselves as we are. This goes to the men too, it could be you longing for a girl that would never be yours. This is my real talk for today. Happy new year by the way cause this is my first write this year. I promise i’ll try to be more constant.

BE REAL-MY FIRST STEP IN THE JOURNEY.

I always thought my first blog ever would be full of good vibes, lol.I turned eighteen waiting for them good vibes and almost exactly a year later,fifteen days to my nineteenth birthday🎂 and not much has changed.

Today on my bed,having spent the whole day here listening to music am thinking, a Monday without a class is really God sent.It almost never happens. My favorite time is always when am alone confronting the ghosts that haunt me.Keeping up a smiley face in public has began frustrating me.When I was younger, I had a one sided smile that would only show when something had extremely pleased me and that was something I miss.My life was rarely messy as there was no pretence.I was real all the way.

Lately I’ve seen people complaining constantly of fake friends.Most people believe that fake is smiling at you and stabbing you in the back while you are not looking but I don’t think it only revolves around that.Fake is also pretending to be happy when you are not,laughing at jokes you don’t even find funny just to boost a person’s confidence.There are a lot more examples but I think you get my point already.It’s really important to be real because some times it makes or breaks lives.

If I am right,fake is what ninety nine percent of us are.If you know you know.Most times you are being advised to be yourself, but in your head you are thinking,what if you can’t handle the real me,right?

That’s what scares the shit out of me to be honest😂😂Am like,what if no one likes the real me,what if they prefer the facade?But now,fifteen days to my nineteenth birthday,I don’t care.I am taking a step in my journey to being real.Join me if you like,take a step out of the facade you’ve built and peel of part of the mask you’ve been wearing one step at a time,no hurry just like the saying there’s no hurry in Africa.Trust me when i say this,it’s refreshing,and wait,don’t be afraid to lose people while on this journey, after all,some people came into your life for a season.Real talk,God first.